ASIA101: Street Crossing for Westerners

*** WARNING AND DISCLAIMER***
Street crossing is inherently dangerous in most parts of Asia. Information provided in this article is for your amusement only. The author is not liable for the consequences of following his instructions.
*** WARNING AND DISCLAIMER***

Why do you want to cross the road?

Ok... enough bad jokes already. Here are some basic techniques:

1. Parasite: Find the most attractive local girl in sight, and walk along side with her. Position yourself in a way so that she is practically your personal human shield. Do NOT pay attention to the traffic. Instead, focus your attention on your girl, and keep your position in sync with her.
   Theory:
   1. If the chick is hot enough to stop the traffic, you want to be seen with her. You do not want to be run over while the driver drooling over the hot chick. Besides, due to the execution of this technique, the hotter the chick, the more pleasant the experience, unless you are, unfortunately, a homosexual, in this case.
      
   2. The locals know how to negotiate through the traffic better than you. If you are not confident on doing the job yourself, trust the experts.
      
   3. The drivers want to miss people, not running them over. If they must run over someone, then the less the number, the better. By walking along side with someone, you increase the stake and visibility.
      
   4. If a driver has no choice but to go your way, hopefully, the human shield is going to reduce the impact, more or less.
   Note: Never use this technique on anyone who appears to be upset and might have a death wish.
2. Super Ego: Do not pay attention to the traffic. Look straight ahead, and walk at a steady speed. Do NOT walk too fast.
   Theory: Drivers want to miss you. By applying this technique, your action becomes predictable, hence easier to miss. This might sound crazy, but if you pay attention, you are going to find this technique is used by locals in many countries. On that note, AVOID dodging the traffic and any sudden moves, for these makes your action pattern becomes unpredictable. A driver might run you over while trying to avoid you.
   
3. Use the Force: This is the most challenging and exciting method. You negotiate the traffic by yourself. Try to predict the movements of the traffic. Negotiate your way through eye contacts with drivers.
   Note: Never appear to be indecisive. If you are not sure if there is a mutual understanding between you and the driver, stand still to allow the driver to avoid you. Pay attention to the vehicle. If the driver try to do emergency brake and skidding towards you, then dodge, for in this case, the action of the vehicle becomes predictable.

Additional Preparation:
Pray to your God(s), go to your temple/church, be respectful to local God(s)/religion(s), and be nice to other folks, for luck is always involved in Asian street crossing. Indians call it Karma. I view good deeds in terms of the butterfly effect in Chaos Theory. They just could be your ticket out of harms way, or through the Pearly Gate.



*** WARNING AND DISCLAIMER*** 
Street crossing is inherently dangerous in most parts of Asia. Information provided in this article is for your amusement only. The author is not liable for the consequences of following his instructions. 
*** WARNING AND DISCLAIMER***