Tae Kwon Leap
by the Frantics
MASTER: Approach student, close the circle at the feet of the master. You
have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Tae Kwon
Leap. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your
own soul. Let us meditate on this wisdom now. So: Ohhhhmmmmm...
STUDENT1 (Ed Gruberman): Uh, sir! Sir! (Oo!, Oo!) Sir!
MASTER: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of
the pond?
EG: Me! Ed Gruberman!
MASTER: E-Ed Gruberman.
EG: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nuthin', but, uh, how long is this gonna take?
MASTER: Tae Kwon Leap is not a path to a door, but a road leading
forever towards the horizon.
EG: So like, what, an hour or so?
MASTER: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you
must learn patience.
EG: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?
MASTER: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.
EG: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Yah
yah yah hwoom!
MASTER: 'Beat people up'...
EG: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing
bozos! That's all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, ey?
MASTER: The only use of Tae Kwon Leap is self-defense. Do you know who
said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher.
EG: Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said
that? Mel, the cook on 'Alice'.
MASTER: Tae Kwon Leap is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of
hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Ohmmmmmm.....
EG: Listen, shrimp! Now are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I
gonna start wipin' the walls with you?
MASTER: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Tae Kwon Leap. Approach me that
you might see.
EG: All right! Finally some action!
MASTER: Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
EG (drunkenly): Owww! You booted me in the head!
MASTER: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of
Tae Kwon Leap so soon.
EG (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head!
MASTER: Now we continue. Ohhhmmmmm...
EG: Hey! I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, hah? Come on, are
ya chicken?
MASTER: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
EG (again, drunkenly): Oww! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it
now.
MASTER: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
EG: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?
MASTER: Now class, we shall return to our..
STUDENT2: Master?
MASTER: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.
STUDENT2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.
MASTER: What do you mean?
STUDENT2: I want to boot some head, too.
MASTER: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?
STUDENT2: Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger
is a weapon only to one's opponent.
MASTER: Very good.
STUDENT2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!)
MASTER: You missed.
STUDENT2: Yeah. Well...
MASTER: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson...
STUDENT2: You don't have to, you know. I gotta be going...
MASTER: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
STUDENT2 (agonizing pain): Oyyy oy oyyyy.... Oh....
MASTER: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?
STUDENT3: Yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.
MASTER: You gain wisdom, child.
STUDENT3: So we'll hafta gang up on ya! Get 'im guys!
(Master throws many Boot-to-the-head's and SH-ZOOMP's, and people are groaning
in pain)
MASTER: And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into
the heart of the candle of meditation.
UNISON: Ohhhmmmm....
MASTER: Very good, class.
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